2012 has been an interesting year to say the least. A lot of chaos, a lot of growth, a lot of bizarre. I remember starting 2012 so assured that it would be a good year because how could it not be? I had been through hell long enough, how could 2012 not be the end of the tunnel? I mean after all, it was time for me to be able to get on with my life. Well 2012 was far from what I imagined and far from what I planned for. I know it will go down as one of the most challenging years of my life. The physical deterioration, the emotional upheaval that resulted, the fear, the uncertainty and everything else. But after all that, I would not change it for anything. I can now officially say: 2012 has been the most transformational year of my life. Sometimes everything we don’t want is the very best and most pivotal things that we will experience.
And now here comes 2013. So what is the difference for me this time? There is no attachment either way. I am not hanging onto an idea that the year must be a certain way, that it must get better, I must get better, I deserve for it to go better or anything of that nature. I set my intention for this to be an amazing year and let the rest happen. I look forward to all the things that it will bring, whatever challenges, hardships and great times that it has in store. Whatever the year brings is simply part of my path through life. Through so many more ways than we realize, we create our reality. This is different than the blame, shame and guilt stuff. I am not saying we are at fault if things are going poorly for us or we are struggling. Life will always have the unexpected turns, the ups, the downs, the things we never saw coming, the things people shouldn’t have to experience. But what we do with these turns and events is how we shape reality for ourselves.
I spent New Years Eve with a friend that I met just this year though it seems longer than that. Her 2012 shared many similarities to mine of a long, drawn out year of many ups and downs, growth, setbacks, a long path of exploration physically, emotionally, spiritually, doctors appointments, insurance phone calls and tests up the wha zoo. She was diagnosed with EDS, type III, last fall so in many ways we were going through the same process, Denial, Grief, Anger, Acceptance. Sound much like a grieving process? Well in many ways when sickness comes about that isn’t acute, you quickly realize how you no longer have a life and identity that you have maintained for however many years. So through the process we went. Sometimes at different stages, sometimes on par. Point being? 2012 could easily be said to be rough for both of us. So on NYE, we decided to close the year in a way that made us really appreciate everything that happened.
We wrote down on sheets of paper all the things that we were happy for, all the things that we were grateful for, all the things that would make us appreciate how 2012 was so far from just the year from hell.
The list was amazing, the little things that you might not even think about in a year: seeing the movie, The Intouchables, reading many good books, discovering new foods, the car rides with my Dad, hanging out with my dogs…. and I know some of you heard from me in regards to the very special things that made it on the paper that you all did that touched my heart this year.
The bowl took a night and morning to go through.
There was one particular idea that shocked me. I just wrote and it as it came out of my hand and was in slight disbelief when I read it back:
” For getting so sick”
Yes. That’s right. I said it. Try to remember this can happen for you too when you’re at a point in life when you feel like you’re walking through hell.
It really has been pure hell at times and has had some very dark lifeless moments (hence the lazarus) but I can’t say that I would change it. I have learned more from it than I could have in an entire lifespan, it has changed my life and taught me lessons some people will never be able to learn. I have met amazing people, I have been exposed to things I would have never known existed, I have developed new interests and revalued my amazing relationships. And most importantly, this journey of sickness back to health has allowed me to (one of my other things on the list) be so lucky to have experienced the process of
I think that is the most valuable thing I gained out of 2012. As they say “you have to lose yourself to find yourself.” In some ways, we are all forced do this to a certain extent through any difficult event. Having your life completely disappear in a matter of what seems like a couple of months and starting from scratch will certainly leave you no choice but to start a journey of finding the true you. And when you do, it’s like finding a light that you never knew existed, a new source of power that makes life that much more amazing and meaningful. . Every day of our lives is part of that journey to find that true person we are and the end of a year is a perfect time to reflect on the culmination of all the things that have come along on your path.
If I looked at 2012 factually or even in a “realist and practical” way, my 2012 was filled with many weeks of being bed bound, months of being house bound, 16 more doctors/specialists to add to the long list, too many appointments all over the state of Connecticut and New York, 30+ rounds of bloodwork, medical “tests,” too many shots in my ass than I care to remember and many roller coaster rides between doing okay and being incapacitated. But that’s not what I choose to remember. Just like I realized one day this summer, we always have a choice. I could choose to be terrified of what was happening and what my future would hold or I could choose to have faith and know that everything was going to be okay. I chose the second.
So 2012: I choose the laughs, the joys, the time with my family, watching movies, becoming a professional Olympics spectator from my couch, watching the Voice (and winning the bet!), sitting outside in the sun, spending time with my Grandpa, my new discovery of painting for fun, and the many more things on the list.
Take a look back at your 2012, it’s never too late. What do you choose? What does 2012 mean for you? What will you remember? Take a minute, make a list, No matter how small or big of an event, let the list flow out. This isn’t forced optimism, it isn’t about guilt if you still feel the year wasn’t a good one. All it is, is a true genuine awareness of how much exists in your life every single day.
Let 2013 bring everyone health, prosperity and happiness.
I know it will-you are the creator of 2013 that you desire.
All is well.