I have a ridiculous long post coming. I have the little interesting tidbits in it on different things like what stress does to the body, acupuncture, the role of viruses in CFS and many chronic illnesses, bla, bla, bla. And it was taking me too long. So forget it that’s for later.
I crashed two weeks ago. And I crashed hard. (A crash is when symptoms flare up with a vengeance and all the lovely “sick” feelings come flying back at once). I didn’t leave my house for 5 days and didn’t have any real turn around until about 10 days (I am very lucky compared to some out there).
This crash was difficult for me. I normally go with the flow and just ride it out, if anything I am used to it. But this one was intense. I was extremely down, frustrated and soon became my own worst own enemy.
I truly thought the days of intense crashes like this were in the past. Not that I thought I was healed or anything like that but “a crash” is very specific, it’s different than a flare, it lasts for a long time and it’s at an intensity that is truly debilitating.
I felt defeated for a couple of days. Then I felt fed up. WITH EVERYTHING. I felt like if I had to look at my house for another minute of my life, I would lose it. The monotony: the same town, the same drives, the same scenes, the same minimal schedule, the same limitations.
Mid week I had a visitor, an old friend from the other side of the Earth (literally) who was on a trip in the US for a bit, part of a big graduation trip before starting a new job back home. We made do with the situation. But when he left, that old feeling of “being stuck” came back rapidly. My friends are all doing amazing things with their lives. I am so genuinely happy for them. But I’ll be honest: it can be hard to feel like you’re just in an idle, limbo land.
Even my good friend from around here who deals with her own chronic illness has started working consistently. Yes, part time, but 5 days a week and she loves it.
So soon I became my own antagonist. “I wish I could work” “Same old scene.” “You do so many things to get better but what difference does it make?” “This illness sucks” “Wow you really have been stuck in this town for over a year.” Then the whining. “I want to move on with my life.” “I am so sick of all of this.” “I want to be able to work.” “I want to be able to run” “I want to get out of here.” “I want to be able to do something to light up about.”
But at a certain point this becomes RESISTANCE. AND IT REALLY DOESN’T GET YOU VERY FAR. And I know illness or no illness, everyone can relate to this at some point in their lives when they want everything else than what their current situation is. Or better yet when that inner voice takes over and soon you start finding life that much more difficult. All of a sudden you truly can’t tolerate your boss for another day, your clothes aren’t good enough, your hair isn’t pretty enough, you need a new car, you’re never going to find a guy/girl, your body sucks, the list goes on.
Ever notice the more you brew in it, the worse it seems to get? Or all of a sudden you’re now fighting with people, or shit is just going wrong in your life?
Monday Morning I decided to try to pull it together. I have vowed to start mediating every morning to start my day more centered, to simply remind my body of what homeostasis it. Plus, it just seems to be a common theme for people that have gotten better, and hell, it’s a common theme for people who are very successful in life. Yes- meditation does not mean you have to have hair down to your butt and flowers in your hair. THE NBA team, THE LAKERS, MEDITATE !
I threw on a random one that was on my itunes from my awesome Christmas present of Chopra’s 21 day meditation challenge (Thanks Dad!). Hey-you really always get what you need. I started laughing a minute in when I heard the words. The theme of the day: “Today I focus on what I want to attract in my life.” He went on to say if we focus on resistance and difficulty, well, we will simply continue to have it.
Just because we do not have something in this very moment does not mean it cannot happen or exist. Some people will look at their lives and see lack while other look and see abundance. Who do you think out of the two feels limited? I have posted on this before, changing your thoughts and beliefs can change your situation. You can’t change everything but “reality” is changeable. Thoughts, intentions, attitudes and expectations are really what makes our reality. So I guess you could say in some ways that means reality is very multi dimensional. Ever notice when you ask, “what happened?” to a group of people, you’ll get five different answers?
I felt better for an hour or two and then back came everything! I finally had a long chat with my mom about everything that night. My frustration, the situation, the lack of people that understand yet alone even believe the condition is real, the forwards-backwards, the I have had enough.
She was tough on me. But I needed it. “When life makes you lemons, make lemonade.” “You have to make the best of any situation given to you.” At first, I was just pissed. But the more I talked through it and softened, I knew it was true.
I stewed in all the negative emotions for awhile. I needed to and as I always propose on this blog: you should. Feel things, they’ll just come up down the road in a ridiculous magnitude if you don’t (ever had that over the top break down that comes out of no where?). But it’s not productive to sit in the same thing over and over again and not move through it. That really is the definition of stuck.
The next day I hung around the house but I cleaned my room and I painted for an hour listening to PANDORA, went to an appointment, and made some food. And I felt so truly happy for my day. I was mindful and aware the entire time.
And the hour I was painting, I had a surge of joy just realizing what I was doing WAS something. I did produce something. I did do something with my day. I wasn’t stuck any more than a gerbil thinks it’s stuck on the wheel. Maybe my Tuesday was not what “it should be” or maybe it not “what everyone else is doing” but I got up and lived a day to the fullest that I could.
And that’s more than enough.
I will post the stuff I have vowed to do later. One is being mindful and not pushing through my limits. Hence the end of this blog post.
All is well.